PenCapChew Zine

After yet another broken promise made by lead singer Tom Rheault, Melissa and I ventured even farther distances to once again witness the main malfunction named No Trigger.

This time it wasn't some shitty venue in Fenton, Michigan, but the mean deep streets of Cleveland, Ohio. The closest location we could hit in order to make fun of Tom, his four elves and his little dog Bradley.

You see, Tom promised us a show in Detroit, but skipped out due to fear of yet another harsh PenCapChew attack. But like a predator stalking its prey, we hunted them down PCC sniper style and with no hesitation started hammering down on the girls of No Trigger.

We found them wandering aimlessly around Cleveland's Rock-n-Roll Hall of Fame where we ambushed and nearly made newest members Erik "the red" Perkins and Billy "bean" both of Smartbomb, shit themselves over the fierce presence of PenCapChew.

We said our hello's, they said theirs then I quickly snatched Tom's skateboard from underneath his nose... "Hey, don't scratch the graphics!", he whimpered as I rode off into the streets of Cleveland along side the real rippers of No Trigger.

Huh? That's mean you say?

Well shit... Tom wasn't using it.

I don't think he ever used it... not a mark on the thing.

He's like one of those kids afraid of taking comic books out of the sleeve in fear of creasing the cover or one who keeps action figures in their original packaging for value preservation.

Well I wasn't having it... that bitch needed it's cherry popped and I was the man to do it!

Feeling bad, I offered him my longboard as reimbursement... something a little more his tempo.

Tom likes to spill his guts to PCC after two beers, cry over parking tickets, hug his dad, and whine about people smoking too close to him... so as you can see even a longboard is beyond his caliber.

After shredding the streets of Cleveland, the troops were rounded up, packed into the van hauling daddies R.C. Rheault trailer, and dropped off in the parking lot of the Beachland Tavern where we began the abuse on our livers.

Left Alone was already there... drinking.

We arrived second, tested the spot, started drinking.

From somewhere beyond the future a gnarly space van carrying the third act, The Phenomenauts, landed and guess what? They too began drinking.

Umm... if you can't see where this is heading you're just as sad as No Trigger's drinking abilities.

After one too many "pink-a-nators", an alcoholic concoction derived from the depths of Left Alone, Erik had me questioning his drumming abilities and wondering if he'd be able to keep up or function during their set. This was only his fifth show with No Trigger.

While everyone was getting lit I snuck into No Trigger's van and slapped a PCC sticker on the side of the TV that members spend pointless hours battling in NBA Jam when simultaneously someone I like to call Barstool found a 2006 uncirculated penny at the bottom of his sour cream and onion Pringle's... I like to think PCC had something to do with this little stroke of luck.

Disappointed to find he hadn't won a convertible, Barstool was equally happy to hear he'd be receiving a year's worth of Pringles in return for not threatening a lawsuit... who said PenCapChew never brought bands luck with striking it big?

Before continuing on the drinking binge we decided to grab take out from a joint that seriously worshiped Jackie Chan. On the walls were pictures of Jackie Chan, fucking Jackie Chan movie posters, the place was even named Jackie Chan's something-or-another... fucking stellar almond cookies though. Jon and Barstool would attest.

When we got back to the venue Brad was unloading and Tom was half-in-the bag pouting over goals and what he should do with his life. I said "wah, wah... suck it up... time for the show."

First up... The Beat Kids. Local youngster's... dudes were a Screeching Weasel replica... pretty fucking rad.

Second... No Talent. Filling big shoes, new members Erik and Bean surprisingly did alright. Erik missed a few rolls, Bill fucked a few licks, but nothing crucially recognizable. Jon and Barstool were their usual awesomeness. Mel got something stuck in her throat and Tom called me out in front of the ten kids that made the audience... asshole.

Third... Left Alone. Rancid-sounding, Thrasher rep'n, gnarly motherfuckers.

Last... The Phenomenauts, The Amino Acids of Oakland, California. Dudes had toilet paper dispensers hooked to leaf blowers that hovered t.p. over the crowd... fun set.

As the night died and merch boy Brad had nothing left to brag about Wasteland, Bean announced Tom C. had just puked all over the bar.

Great... time to split.

Mel found a hotel... No Trigger packed... and I sat down...

Erik: "you're sitting in puke"

Ray: "huh?"

Erik: "yeah... look down"

Ray: "godamnit!"

Not only did Tom C. find it necessary to puke all over the bartender, but also my seat... hence the new nickname... Barstool.

Anyway, we arrive at the nearby Hotel 6 stoked to find it reasonably priced and the room more than adequately sized... good work Mel! Half of No Trigger showers, half conduct a Steve Irwin vigil, I pass out and Barstool sleeps in van. We awake early... the rest of No Trigger showers. Barstool stumbles in claiming he's still drunk. I shower and we eat Denny's where crazy Germans walk out on a $100 tab. Downtown, Mel and I are passed off as fifth and sixth members of No Trigger when we're invited into Cleveland's Rock-n-Roll Hall of Fame free of charge. We tour... Jon purchases a two dollar 12 oz. can of Minute Maid... we leave. At our vehicles, Tom donates a copy of No Trigger's Big Mouth Japan release, Extinction In Stereo, which shreds (check out track 2 - North American) just as hard, if not more, than Canyoneer. We say goodbye... asses are grabbed... tears are shed.

While all stories mentioned here are true, some a tiny bit exaggerated, Tom, Tom, Jon, Billy, Erik, and even Brad, though seemingly feminine, are more along the lines of pussy. As far as their music goes... it fucking rips. Next month PCC will be traveling to No Trigger's home state of Massachusetts to partake in the October 20th tour opener with None More Black... this should be interesting.

And...

Through conversation with Tom it seems No Trigger will be touching Detroit sometime this November... we'll see. But in case of such a miracle you need to come out and witness for yourself the circus act called No Trigger. Trust me, it won't be disappointing... No Trig fer life!